You Don't Wanna Know
by illusionsaremylife
Summary: I always wanted my own show! This is a story though... I suck at summaries... read it though... I DARE YOU!
1. Big Scary Rooms, Clothes, and Authors

Me: Hello, viewers.

Gabby: This is a story Tana...

Me:Oh... you know I always wanted my own show!

Gabby: *sigh*

Bella: Why am I here?

Edward: Wait Bella's here?

Nessie: Dad? Mom? Who else is here?

Every single person from Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn: Me!

Me: *starts getting smiley*

Emmett: Who are you to think ou can keep us here? Come on Baby let's leave. *walks out door then magicly pops back in scary dark room with four doors and only two of those four doors are bathrooms*

Everyone: ? Like WTF ?

Me: *evil laugh* You do what every I tell you to do and that is why you can't defeat me!

Emmett: How did you do that?

Me: With my magical, sparkley, powerful... KEyboard of doom!

Nessie: Um... miss keyboard of doom lady, you capitalized the E on keyboard when you said it.

Me: quiet you! I knew that *goes back and changes it*

Jacob: Hey! Where are my clothes?

Edward: Nessie LOOK AWAY!

Me: *walks up to Edward* Edward, I'll give him his clothes if you'll kiss me... no if you make... no just kiss me.

Bella: *hisses*

Me: *glares* *Holds up firecracker* I will shove this down you throught after I light it!

Bella: Yeah right! I'm a vampire remeber? It wouln't hurt me!

Me: *rolls eyes* Firecracker go BOOM! Go fire and you go explody!

Edward: *crying*

Nessie: *snoring*

Charlie: Did you just say your a vampire?

Me: *falls on floor laughing* !

Bella: *looks around nervously* NO! Dad why would you think that?

Charlie: Can I leave?

Me: Mater of fact yes. Just give me a second. *types*

*Everyone exept the Cullens and close family friends, and Volturi, leave*

Cullens: What? Why don't we get to leave?

Me: Because I said so. Anymore questions?

Jacob: *raises hand*

Me: Since there are no questions. Nessie your bed is over there. Other hybrid dude your's is over there. Emmett your walking me home. Jasper come on... you to Edward.

All three: What?

Carlise and Esme: *trying to distract me*

Esme: Oh, I love this carpet you have in here.

Me: *glares* Your stalling... Oh and Ben your coming to!

Ben: Drat!

Tia: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Aro: Where did Gabby go?

Me: To text her boyfriend Jacob! *makes kissy faces*

Emmett: *laughing*

Alec: Tana?

Me: Yes?

Alec: Will you marry me?

Me: *glarers* I'm afraid I can't.

Alec: Why?

Me: Because my friend: xxxMe Myself and Ixxx; loves you!

Alec: I told her I will not be her mate!

Me: Yes you will!

Caius: *sigh*

Marcus: *sigh*

Aro: *sigh*

Me: If one more person sighs I'm going to use this lighter and burn Santiago where he stands!

Renata: Sorry Santiago. *smiles, sigh*

Me: Yeah! I get to burn someone!

Alice: Who is Santiago?

Jasper: IDK!

Gabby: I'm back!

Me: Now Emmett!

Me and Emmett: *Make kissy noises and kissy faces*

Everyone: laugh

Alice: This place is a mess! I shall tidy up! *starts walking around and cleaning and straitning things up*

Me: *follows Alice with can of Lysol spraying everything she toughes and messing everything up*

Gabby: Tana? Where are Jacob's clothes?

Me: Happy Birthday?

Gabby: *rolls eyes*

Stephenie Meyer: When are you going to tell them you don't own Twilight or any of these characters.

Me: But I do own Twilight!

Stephenie Meyer: Uhg! No you don't; I do!

Me: Stephie, come on. You gave it to me for my birthday.

Steph: NO! I did not give it to you!

Me: FINE! Ido not own Twilight! Happy?

Steph: Completley.

Me: *glares*

Steph: Fine I'll leave. But not without Edward.

Me: Okay.

*Edward and Steph leave*

Me: ...5...4...3...2...1...

*Edward pops back in*

Edward: Wha- I- Bu- UGH!

Me and Gabby: *giggles*

Jacob: Can I have my clothes back?

Me: Quiet dog. *pulls dress out of dresser*

Bella: You gave him a dress.

Me: I know. And why did you say him?

Everyone: *laughs*

Alice: Can you type me up a rack of clothes. I need to change. Oh and a dressing room would be nice too.

Me: Of course Alice. *rack of clothes pops up*

Alice: *squeals*

Emmett: What time is it?

Me: Um... *looks at watch* 6:30 pm. I gotta go. I'll miss you guys.

Rose: OMG! It's been over three hours since me and Emmett have had sex!

Carlise: *gagging*

Esme: *shocked*

Edward: *no emotion at all*

Nessie: EWWWWWW!

Me: What ever, here. *big room pops up in middle of the other big room for Emm and Rose* bye you guys, let's go Gabby.

Gabby: *mouthing: I'll miss you, to Jacob*

Me: Hey, I hope you guys liked this chapter, my first fanfic! OME! Sorry I burned that guy... anyway! Bye! !  
Now go hit that review button! I dont mind flames, or just awesomeness mail!


	2. ETs and Elevators

Me: I do not own Twilight, but I do own a copy of it...

Felix: I have devised a great plan to escape.

Me: *walks in with scary peron in tow* Hey guys this is Nick. My best friend since I was three.

Nick: *walks up to Rose* Your hott.

Rose: I know.

Emmett: She's also married!

Nick: SO?

Emmett: *growl*

Me: *flicks Emmett in head*

Bella: Stop the fighting!

Me: Never! Not until I get my book published!

Bella: What book?

Me: IDK!

Emmett: Can I hurt Nick?

Me: Whatever.

Nick: ? Like WTF !

Me: *giggles*

Nick: *turns to me* When are you gonna put Skittle and Twizz in the story?

Me: Right now!

Skittle: Hey I was playing baseball with Jim (his stepdad)

Twizz: I was in the middle of my game to!

Me: Shut up you weenies!

Skittle and Twizz: Did you just call us food products?

Me: Yes.

Emmett: ROFL

Jasper: LMFAO

Alice: JAsper wouldn't say that!

Me: Apperantly he would... I mean he just did!

Jasper: She has a point.

Alice: *angered, starts turning green*

Me: Oh Chiz! She's turning into... THE HULK!

Alice: No I'm not! See I'm perfectly normal.

Me: Aside from being a vampire.

Alice: Shut up!

Me: Anyway! What is Felix's amazing plan to escape?

Felix: I shall start it now! *walks up to me* Can I leave?

Me: Of course!

Felix: YEAH!

Nick: I'm going home.

Me and Emmett: Go ridins!

Nick: Like Really Tana? I'm still here!

Me: Oh...

Emmett: What is there to do?

Me: I know! *music starts* Na na na na Na na na na BATMAN!

Alice: Why can't I see you future?

Me: Maybe... no... I don't know! Who am I? Carlise?

Alice: Maybe?

Carlise: ALICE!

Silence...

Jane: Can I use my power to hurt Edward?

Me: Yes.

Edward: !

Bella: *growl*

Me: Dear your not a dog...

Jacob: *laughing*

Me: *looks at Jake* He is.

*Elevator Pops up*

Me: Everyone get in!

*Everyone gets in* *doors close*

Me: Did you hear that cable poping sound?

Everyone: AWWW! We're gonna Die!

Me: ROTFL. My head is ringing.

Jasper: I'm so sorry.

Me: THe last time my head rang like this I woke up next to a dead man.

Jasper: ...

Me: Edward!

Edward: *ignores me*

Me: The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.

Edward: ?

Me: Carlise? Do you think I have a dangerous personality?

Carlise: No?

Me: The doctors say that my eighth personality is the least dangerous.

Everyone: ?

Me: We're planning on leaving our bodies and meeting with the mother ship next Tuesday - wanna come?

Emmett: *Jumps on Rose's Back Yelling* I KNEW SHE WASN'T HUMAN! STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Me: Whatever.

Nessie: When are you going to leave?

Bella: Nessie that was rude. Yeah! When are you going to leave?

Me: Now. Let's go boys.

Skittle: Bye Alice!

Twizz: Bye Jane!

Me: *slaps both* I'm right here you know!

Both: Sorry.

Emmett: Hey hope you guys liked the story! It's her second chapter! I starred in it mostly!

Me: Whatever! I can delete you ya know!

Emmett: But you wouldn't!

Me: *glares* Bye Vei- Readers!

**HIT THAT REVEIW BUTTON!**

**V**

**HIT IT UP!**

**V **

**JUST A LITTLE FARTHER!**

**V**

**OH AND SORRY I KILLED THAT DUDE!**

**V**


	3. TVs, Bombs, and Great Escape Plans

Me: Okay here's my disclaimer!

Newsperson: This just in cookiemonstergirl does not own Twilight! That is all!

Emmett: So we have a TV now?

Me: I thought you were scared of me?

Emmett: I realized that I'm a vampire.

Me: ?

Emmett: What!

Me: *rolls eyes* Oh! I brought my puppy today!

Alice: What is it's name?

Me: Thumper.

Alice: Why?

Me: Have you seen Bambi?

Alice: Yes. Oh! I see!

Me: Yeah! (honestly though her name is CheChe and she's more like a little fury sister... chewawa!) *dog jumps out of my arms and attacks Jacob*

Jacob: Get off me you rat!

Me: *slaps Jacob* My dog is not a rat!

Jacob: No. But it's evil! Just like you!

Me: Thank you!

*horn honking*

Me: That's my mom! *runs outside*

Jacob: Finally!

Me: I'm back! Yo! See how I was all gangster!

Emmett: Word dude!

Me: What word?

Emmett: Your the bomb!

Me: Oh NO! I'm gonna explody?

Emmett: Dude!

Me: Yes?

Edward: *starring at Bella*

Me: Stop trying to make peoples implode with your mind!

Edward: I wasn't.

Me: Good that's my thing! *starres at Bella*

Bella: *looks really scared*

Edward: NO!

Bella: *explodes*

Edward: *sobbing*

Me: Dude she's over there!

Edward: Thank God!

Me: Do you want me to blow her up?

Edward: I'll be quiet...

Me: *glares* good.

Nessie: Don't tell daddy what to do!

Me: *sigh* You know I always thought you were pretty cool but your making me think twice about that.

Bella: *growls, lunges*

Me: Quiet you! *Bella lands in cage*

Nessie: Mommy!

Edward: Let her out!

Me: *bouncing head around while watching laptop*

Edward: What are you doing?

Me: Listening to Kendall Schmidt sing Phone Call.

Newsperson: News flash! She also doesn't own Kendall Schmidt or Phone Call (youtube).

Me: Thanks John. But I wish I did... HE'S SO HOT!

Newsperson: No problem.

Emmett: Do we have a TV or not!

Me, Edward, Bella, Alice, Rose, Esme, and Everyone Else: NO!

Emmett: Fine. No need to yell!

Me: Whatever I'm going home, let's go John.

John: Kay.

**V **

**REVIEW**

**V**

**NOW**

**OR **

**V**

**i**

**V**

**SHALL**

**V**

**SICK**

**V**

**JACOB**

**V**

**ON**

**V**

**YOU!**


	4. Magic Words and Kendall?

**DISCLAIMER: **

**Police Officer: You are conneccted to a lie detctor. Do you own Twilight?**

**Me: Yes**

**Police Officer: Your LYING!**

**Me: He's right.**

Emmett: So we have a police officer now?

Officer: *glares* No. I'm just here for the disclaimer.

Me: Thanks Marty.

Marty: No prob.

Me: I hate that dude.

Emmett: *Like WTF*

Me: Don't make me, make Carlise spank you!

Carlise: I would never!

Me: Oh yeah?

Carlise: Yeah!

Me: *Raises Eyebrow* Oh really now?

Carlise: I submit! I submit!

Me: Good!

Edward: I need to hunt!

Vampires: So do I!

Me: Okay! *In walks a nice tasty batch of humans* Hunt away!

All but Cullens and other vegi heads: Yeah!

Cullens and Other Vegi Heads: Hello What about us?

Me: What's the magic word?

Gabby: Hey Tana.

Me: Sup shorty! *puts arm around Gabby*

Gabby: Kendall get off!

Me: Okay! Okay!

Edward: Your name is Kendall? I thought it was Montana!

Me: No Kendall is the magic word... he's so dreamy!

Edward: I thought you loved me!

Me: No you love Bella. I love Big Time Rush... mostly Kendall Schmidt!

Gabby: AND Logan Lerman!

Me: YA!

Emmett: That's all the time we have today folks review and tune in next week for You Don't Wanna Know!

***lights fade out like on the news***


	5. Alec is in Pain

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT AND WILL NEVER OWN TWILIGHT OR IT'S CHARACTERS THEY ARE ALL PEOPLE MADE UP BY STEPHENIE MEYER'S CRAZY LITTLE BRAIN...**

ME: I'M KIDDING STEPH! WE KNOW YOUR 'NOT' CRAZY! WELL ALL VAMPIRES SPARKLE!

EDWARD: IS THE WHOLE STORY GONNA BE ON CAPS LOCK?

Me: nO!

eDWARD: oH! tHAT'S HELPFUL!

bELLA: sTOP FIGHTING!

mE: NEVER! COME ON LOGAN LERMAN, KENDALL SCHMIDT, AND... AND... UM... YA LET'S GO!

AWAY WE GO! RIDING INTO THE SUNSET!

eDWARD: mRS. kEYBOARD OF dOOM lADY CAN YOU PLEASE TAKE US OFF CAPS LOCK!

mE: oKAY.

Edward: Is it fixed?

Gabby: Nope.

Jane: *stares at Gabby*

Me: I could have played Jane's role in New Moon! She just stands there and stares at Edward, Alice, and the creepy human loser named Isabella.

Alec: She has a point.

*Alec falls on the ground in pain*

Me: !

All: WTF!

Me: Only cool people get to say that! So Gabby don't say it!

Gabby: HEY!

Me: Kidding. We have a guest today!

All: WHO?

Me: My very close friend. Her name is LeeAnn. I call her Ed. She HATES Twilight!

Jasper: So why is she coming?

Me: Cuz I miss her. And she's gonna shave the wolves with me.

LeeAnn: Specil (I know its spelled wrong... it makes it special) tiz You!

Me: TIZ YOU!

Gabby: Just hug and get it over with.

Me: Who hugs anymore?

Gabby: Me.

Me: Oh guess what?

Twilight People: What?

Me: I'm bored with you now so your free to go! Tiz the last chapter!

Edward: I thought you loved me!

Me: No I loved Logan Lerman, and Kendall Schmidt now! And Nico di' Angelo!

Edward: Sadness.

ME: BYE EVERYONE THANKS FOR READING MY STORIE WHILE IT WAS UP!


End file.
